Increasing physical safety in your life

Adequate physical safety is your birthright. If you feel less safe than you want to be, here are some things you can do about it.

by Tom Cloyd, MS, MA - Counselor / Psychotherapist - Bellingham, Washington (360) 920-1226 - email: tc (AT) tomcloyd.com (please read about content licensing)

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Document status: This is a rough first draft - more sketch than substance. Still, significant content is already here, principally in the Read this FIRST - What To Do NOW section.

Be aware that major sections are undeveloped or minimally developed. Errors of syntax and even of concept are likely, at this stage.

Research and writing will continue rapidly in the days immediately ahead. I make it publicly available early so that it may be accessed by individuals who need to be thinking about personal safety immediately. Please email to me any comments you may have (see address above.)

Who this is for

This document is for everyone who feels more physically vulnerable than they want to be with key people in their life.

It most especially is for my psychotherapy clients - present and former - most of whom are women. My clients often feel unusually vulnerable, and this is one of the factors in their life they want (or should want) changed. So, the ideas here are both for those who need to hear that a safer life is a legitimate, good, and possible goal for them, and for those who already know this but have yet to achieve the level of social safety they want in their life.

Read this FIRST - What To Do Now

You may be in a rush, or unable or unwilling to read much. So, I want to advise you immediately of what you must do to get socially safe. If you can, read below this list as well, and you'll learn why these suggestions are here. For now, I will just tell you that they come from my own clinical work and the research and experience of a number of highly experienced, thoughtful, and concerned individuals.

1: Assess your immediate risk

As you read these suggestions, take time to write down names of people who come to your mind. This will help you focus self protection actions, which will make these actions much more effective.

• Consider first of all the people you already know, especially those live in your biological or acquired family.

  Your greatest threat will probably come from these people. Take a moment to do a mental inventory of all people in your biological or acquired (marital or common law) family - your circle of intimacy.

• Look particularly at those individuals who have RECENTLY acted dangerously, and especially so if their violence has been DIRECTED AT YOU.

  History matters significantly - especially your history in relation to this person. Has anyone you know recently acted dangerously in relationship with you?

• Take seriously all those who threaten violence, especially if they have the means to act on their threats.

  Not all who act violently give warning, and not all who threaten act violently, but threats should always be taken seriously, since those who threaten are more likely to dangerous than those who do not. Those who have means to act (military skills, martial arts skills, physical strength, access to weapons, etc.). Has anyone you know recently threatened violence, in a relationship with you? If so, do they also have the means to act on their threat?

• Be wary of individuals experiencing major stress in their lives, due to physical or mental illness, lack of support from friends or family, personal losses, general poverty, lack of employment, major housing problems, etc.

  The effect of these factors will likely be multiplied if an individual also abuses or depends upon substances. Such individuals are more likely to act using poor judgment. Do you have anyone in your life who is experiencing such stress at this time? Are they also using / abusing / dependent upon substances?

• Look at your own behavior for signs of risk.

  If you've having to disguise or hide what you do with your time, where you go or who you meet and talk with; if you have to "walk on eggshells" around anyone in your intimate circle; if you have to lie to protect yourself from someone; if you have denied abuse to someone who asked you about it, GET HELP NOW. None of these behaviors belong in healthy relationships. All are predictors of abusive, and eventually violent, relationships. Are you exhibiting any of these tell-tale "red-flag" behaviors?

• Assess your own judgment, with unflinching honesty - preferably while consulting with someone wise who knows you.

  You may well be a significant liability to yourself. Victims of violence often make poor decisions relative to risk management. If you are such a person, then, while you are learning to think more defensively, you should actively consider the perceptions and wisdom of other people who are trustworthy. Have you repeatedly put yourself in risky situations in the past? What would someone else whose judgment you trust think of your judgment?

• Respect your fears.

  People create fear in their brain when they sense a threat. Denial of the fear can be a ticket to really bad experience. Instead of using denial, get to a safe place, then assess the situation. Ultimately your sense of threat will be your best protection, so start learning right now to listen to it and respect it. Of whom are you afraid, at this time in your life?

(More detailed information on risk assessment will be found in the section on Anticipating threat.)

2: Act now to reduce or eliminate your risk of victimization

Life is risky, but we usually can take steps to meaningfully reduce this risk.

After working through the list immedately above, you should have a good idea from whom you need to protect yourself. Now, act to reduce your chances of being hurt by the source(s) of threat you have identified.

• Focus on yourself and your dependents (if any).

  Once you are safe, you can worry about others, if you must. You can even send help, if appropriate. But, as a victim, you may well be unable to do anything for anyone, including yourself. "Safety begins with me" is the basic rule followed by policemen, firemen, soldiers, people who work in mental hospitals, rescue workers, and health care workers. Avoiding incapacitation is all that will allow you to be of use to anyone, ever. You come first, right now. It has to be this way.

• Call for help early - you shouldn't face the problem alone.

  Understand that abuse often escalates. Emotional abuse can easily lead to physical threat, then to physical assault, then to sexual violence. Consult with professionals in mental health, domestic violence, or the police, before the situation escalates - and continue consulting until the risk is gone. Follow through on the advice you are given.Under the right circumstances, relationships CAN be saved, and the chances of this are best when social violence has not gone very far. Put out the fire while it's small.

• Minimize threat before you try to solve problems.

  This means that you should get safe first, THEN do anything that seems appropriate to repair or change or terminate any threatening relationships in your life. "Gettting safe" means avoiding use of substances, and avoiding those who use substances - especially if they are threats to you. It means avoiding isolationwith potentially threatening individuals. To really get safe requires that you be unflinchingly honest about the risks in your life, and that you then take action, while consulting with experts so that you KNOW you are doing the best possible thing in your situation.

• Distance yourself from threats.

  Those who are hard to reach don't get hurt nearly as often. Those who cannot be found are the safest of all. If advisable, consider a short stay in a domestic violence shelter, or with a friend not known to the people who threaten you. Distance confers safety. Get some distance from the threat. But...

• If you leave a violent relationship, do so with help.

  Unless done correctly, leaving a relationship will typically increase your risk of being a target of violence. [2] This risk must and can be controlled. Either before leaving or immediately afterward, consult with domestic violence specialists - if possible, or with police, mental health professionals, or medical professionals as to how to do this. Act on what they tell you to do.

• Get visible. Publicize your sense of threat, AND your call for help.

  Tell several people. Try to see that the people who threaten you are aware that you have talked to others, especially the police. When you're visible, others can watch you - AND those who threaten you. And, yes it is very possible to be both visible (in the sense just explained) AND hidden in a safe place. Specifically, consider these options:

  • Make sure at least one responsible people, known to be your confidant, knows the names of those by whom you feel threatened.
  • Make sure at least one attentive person - someone who knows your usual behavior, and who is trustworthy - knows where you are at all times. Use the telephone to do this - it's easy.
  • In risky situations, make known the fact that your location is known to another, and that you are expected to be somewhere at some time.
  • Do not break the connection with this other person. If you change plans, tell them - again, use your cell phone, or grab a land line and make a call, even if only to an answering machine. "I should be home at 5PM. Please call me."
  • If you have to cross an insecure area - say, you have to walk to your car in an area in which you feel unsafe, call a friend on your phone, and talk tell them where you are and what you're doing. In this way, let them walk you to your car.
• Actively increase your sense of being protected.

  For some people this means that they need to "disappear". For others, being in the middle of a crowd of known safe people is perfect. For still others, this means loading up on weapons, whistles, air horns, repellants, large dogs, etc. All individuals, female or not, should seriously consider use of restraining orders issued by a court. They send a message, and publicize your situation to people who should know. After getting an order, work with the authorities to see that it is rigorously inforced.

  Simply do what makes sense to you, until you feel protected. And...because you are probably not an expert in managing relationship violvence, have your protection plan reviewed by an expert - combine your judgment with theirs.

  Always remember that the threat you don't see coming is the one you won't be able to protect yourself against, so watch your blind spots. Experts can help you greatly with this problem.

(More detailed information on risk management will be found in the sections on Avoiding threat and Repulsing threat.)

3. If you can take the time, learn more

Now, if you are able, keep reading, to learn more about these suggestions, and about this document. The more time and thought you invest in this subject, the more you will reshape your thinking and actions so that you make your life safe. It's an investment with a fine payoff.

The essential goal - comfort

This may seem obvious enough, but I assure you that to someone who has grown up in an abusive family, or who has been too long in an abusive relationship, it should be clearly and boldly stated:

All of us deserve to live a life that is emotionally, physically, and sexually safe, and to feel comfortable as a result.

Pause to think about that for a moment. Have you always gotten what you deserved, as stated above? Are you getting it right now? Will you in the future? Perhaps there may be something useful for you here, below...but first, get a good mental grip on this "essential goal" statement. Then, don't stop until you achieve it!

The key idea - building good defensive skills

The best threat is the one you never face. The best conflict is the one you completely avoid. The best fight is the one you prevent. Defensive thinking is to be preferred over defensive action, when possible.

With this in mind, the core skills to learn, in order, are these:

• Anticipation - identify, in advance, the threats you face.
• Avoidance - develop ways to avoid these threats to whatever degree is possible and acceptable to you.
• Repulsion - identify and practice ways to make yourself an undesirable "victim", should you become a target for violence.
• Survival - identify and practice ways to minimize damage (physical and psychological), should you become a victim.

Each of these skills is addressed, in some detail, below.

Anticipating threat

Social violence is rarely random. Choices are made, and targets picked. What sort of person is most likely to a source of social violence, directed at you?

• Someone you already know, someone in your family.
• Someone with a history of violence, especially toward you.
• Someone who has threatened violence.
• Someone who has impaired judgment. (due to stress, mental illness, substances)

Avoiding threat

There is a great deal you can do to stay out of harm's way. The earlier you start the better the outcome will be.

Repulsing threat

We want to avoid active contact with threat, if at all possible. If we're in a situation where this may not be possible, we must be prepared to stop or diminish the impact of a threat which targets us.

Response planning and rehearsal is the key to success, here.

Surviving assault

There is much you can do to actively manage what happens during an assault, in many cases. Amazing stories exist of individuals who have correctly "read" the mind of their assailant, patiently waited for a moment of advantage, then used emotional intelligence, active negotiation, consequence restructuring, and the natural advantages that come to those who prepare - all to reduce the effect of an assault. Then after an assault is over, they take decisive and effective action to quickly resolve the effects, physical and psychological, of the experience. They survived, then they thrived, as they intended to. Others have done it. You can, as well.

Getting help

None of us can live our lives without help from other people. We are a social animal. Our brains require, and our thinking and quality of life benefits from, contact with others of our kind.

When experiencing serious stress, and especially when experiencing the stress and confusion of a relationship in which we feel threatened, it is very easy to think poorly and to make unwise choices. Consulting with someone else can very much help to correct this tendency.

In the end, you're in the driver's seat. It's your life. No one can take over for you, legally and ethically, except under extreme and unusual conditions, or if you allows someone to start making your decisions for you.

What you CAN do to really help yourself, while you're still calling your own shots, is consult with someone you think can help you. Make your choices carefully. A mere friend may or may not be a good choice. What you would most benefit from is someone who can help YOU make better decisions by sharing with your their solid knowledge and information. Who might that be? Look for someone with...

• Maturity - This means that they function as an adult, not as an adolescent or as a child. They can think things through, and their thinking has shown itself to have soundness, in your view, or in the view of others whom you trust.
• Wisdom - This is intelligence combined with good timing - knowing what to do, when. Wise people are more effective than merely intelligent people.
• Ethical orientation - This describes a person who not only will listen to you, but will also respect the boundaries between you, encouraging you to depend on yourself while consulting with others; it also describes someone who will seek first to do you no harm, and stay wigging the bounds of a truly helpful relationship.
• Experience - There is no substitute for knowing the country one is traveling through. So, look for someone who has relevant experience in helping people in troubled and abusive relationships. What they have learned from contact with tens or hundreds of such relationships you simply cannot learn from the limited number of such relationship you may have personally experienced.
• Patience - Things take time. It will take time for you to make sense of things in your own mind. Your helper needs to realize this, to be willing to go at the pace that works for you, and to continue to be available to you as you work things through.

There are certainly other qualities which a truly helpful person might have, but these five are a very good start toward a description of such a person.

I think you are most likely to find such qualities in someone who has real-world experience in working with threatening or abusive relationships. To my mind, you are most likely to find this experience, and the other qualities in the list above, in the sorts of people listed below. I would advise looking for them in this order:

• Psychotherapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors (including pastoral counselors) who have developed specialist knowledge in working with troubled relationships.
• Any professionals listed above who have developed specialist knowledge in working with people experiencing psychological trauma.
• Staff workers in any walk-in or residential facility, including domestic violence shelters, which has a focus on working with troubled relationships.
• Anyone in a position to manage the crisis and rapid decision making people in troubled relationships often have to work through. This would include counselors working on telephone crisis lines, staff working in hospital Emergency Rooms, and police. All of these individuals will point you in the direction of additional, more qualified support. That is what they are best at, so listen to them carefully, and make use of their knowledge.
• A friend who has gone through an abusive relationship experience. This option may seem the most appealing, but think it through. How much experience do they really have? How much did they actually learn? It might be best to get help from you friend AND from someone more experienced and trained.

Summary

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Postscript

My perspective on this issue

First of all, I very definitelybelieve that violence between people is virtually never justified, with the obvious exception of defensive violence - that intended to block a threat.

My intent here is make concrete some of the approaches and tactics by which we can make our lives socially safer. I do not address other kinds of safety issues - and there are many. My focus is on safety in relationships with other people. My clients have generally had some very real problems with this - in situations you might expect they would have little or no such problems at all. Sadly, this often has not been their experience.

In the years I've been a mental health professional (over a decade), I've had professional helping relationships with hundreds of people who felt threatened, most of them women. I have actively engaged police services, domestic violence shelters, and privately arranged hiding places more times than I can count. I've spent innumerable hours sleeping next to a telephone, helping facilitate tough decisions, often in very lonely parts of my state, in the absolute dark of the night. I have some familiarity with the reality of social violence in intimate relationships, and with threat management in the context of such a reality. I would dearly like all this to stop, but it doesn't look like it going to any time soon.

I'm a male, writing for a primarily female audience. There are advantages and disadvantages to this. As a male, I've grown up more physically boisterous than my sisters, by which I mean my birth sisters (I have three) AND my "peer-sisters"). Until puberty, girls are approximately as "physical" as boys, but puberty, on average, changes this dramatically. Boys continue learning how to manage themselves in physical contact situations, and girls increasingly become specialists in emotional and social contact situations. The result is that as adults we have some distinct lessons to learn from each other, lessons our different developmental experiences have taught us.

I will confess that I'm particularly protective of girls and women. That's how my birth family was, and the fact that I was the oldest, and only boy, magnified this value for me. Violence against women offends me deeply. That the world should be unnecessarily threatening to girls and women offends me in ways I find hard to express. That far too much of this threat comes from my own gender feels almost like a personal assault on my character, and I want this to stop. I don't like it one bit when someone is afraid of me just because I'm male. I like it even less that I think it only realistic to acknowledge that virtually all women face daily safety considerations which rarely or never even occur to me. [3]

One way I can change this is to work to help women of all sorts in my life feel more safe, more in control, and more powerful. This can happen as a result both of what they do and of what I do in relation to them. I've been working on my part of this for years, and the work is ongoing. This document is to help them work on their part.

How this document has been developed

Much of what's here comes from my talking with women, and from reading what they've written. Some of the ideas are their, and some developed from my thinking about what they said to me.

I am conducting an ongoing review of the best ideas I can find from individuals well informed on this topic. Some of them are what might be all "controlled violence specialists" - such as police and the military. The plain fact is that such specialists are particularly interested in avoiding violence when possible, as it threatens to deny them their function, and they know well the damage it can cause. They have some interesting and valuable things to say to all of us.

Some of what's here comes from my own experience as a man who weighs just a bit less than 140 pounds. I, too, have social security issues. But, then, virtually all men do. If men perpetrate most of the physical violence in this world (and they do), they also are certainly the recipient of most of it - in the military, on the street, and even in their families. [l] For all our sakes, we simply need far less violence in this world, at all levels.

Your contributions are welcome

This document is a work-in-progress. Over time, as I learn more about physical safety - especially for women, I will place here what I learn. One of my sincere hopes is that readers will contribute their own ideas. They are more than welcome. Author contact information is below the title of this document. (If you contribute an idea or comment, please tell me if I may credit you by "Anonymous", your initials, or some version of your name, should I decide to add your contribution to this document.)

Notes

1. This well-documented fact is not often recognized, and I think that men (and women!) don't complain enough about this. It's as if violence against men is in some strange way acceptable. But it's not, if only because if too often has unforeseen and far-reaching consequences. For one thing, men who are hurt by violence sometimes become violent in response, and then act out on their feelings inappropriately. If they are hurt permanently, they become less useful to themselves, and to others around them, including women they may care about.

2. Kaplan, Sadock, and Grebb (1991), p. 793.

3. Violence against women is most surely a men's issue, as well. It fundamentally impugns our characters. It should be cause for male outrage, followed by action. For some of us (see Larsen, no date), it is. That's one reason why I'm writing this document.

References

Kaplan, H. I., Sadock, B. J., & Grebb, J. A. (1991). Kaplan and Sadock's synopsis of psychiatry: Behavioral sciences, clinical psychiatry. 7th ed. Baltimore: Williams & Williams.

Larsen, E. (no date). "Some Reflections on How Women Might Feel" downloaded 2006.01.09 from http://incestabuse.about.com/od/protectyourself/a/beingawoman.htm?terms=women+safety